Post-op day 2: 11:30pm

Ok, so I don't know any more than I did a few hours ago when I last posted, however, I felt compelled to write.

I have decided to stay here at the hospital tonight since Jimmy is awake and alert. He understands that they were not able to complete the surgery they way it was planned. He is sad. Many of you know, he thought this would be the surgery to end all surgeries, or at least that is what we hoped for... I know that if they decide that the best option for him is to have a transplant, he will be less than thrilled. I understand that transplants come with additional "baggage" and it is quite difficult to get him to comply with current medical regimine, which is minimal to say the least. But part of me feels that it would be a much simpler solution. We have a lot to discuss, a lot to think about and we haven't even met with the docs yet. It is going to be a very difficult time ahead.

I feel guilty writing about myself when I feel like the reason for this blog is to keep people informed about Jimmy, but I feel like I need an outlet. I have so many thoughts and feelings that are trapped inside that I am going to explode if I can't get them out. So, I understand if you do not read any further...

I feel like I have to be strong. I am tired. Wednesday, I didn't want to have to be strong anymore, but my rock, my best friend, the love of my life wasn't able to talk to me and tell me it would all be ok. So what choice did I have. Even when I was alone I couldn't breakdown and just let it all out. I have to find an outlet before it becomes too much and I crumble. But what do I do? The one person that I can tell anything too is sick. He's looking to me for guidance. What if I am not strong enough to be his rock? How do I fix that? I am sooo used to having it mostly together. You know in nursing school, they talk about patients feeling out of control and vulnerable. I can honestly say that I know exactly what that means and it sucks. No one can help you or make you feel like it is all gonna be ok. Unless I feel like I am in control of the situation, I build a wall that even my parent's and my child cannot penetrate. This is all quite unsettling. Why can't I be all the things I expect myself to be?! Then I think, silly me. Suck it up and deal with these problems with your big girl panties on! For heaven's sake tammie, you are a grown woman, an adult! YOu have to be able to handle this stuff. Even as I write this out, I think it's stupid and I should just quit my whining and shut up. But I am not going to back space and erase it all. I need to put it out there. Whether anyone reads it or not, it will feel better having put it down in words. So as I try to resist the delete button calling my name I say, once again, thank you!!!!!!! I do feel loved and I do feel like people genuinely care for me and my family. I just wish there was more that I could do to show my gratitude.

Well, it's getting late and post-op day 2 is about to turn into post-opday 3... Until then thank you from the depths of my soul! You all will never know how undeserving and blessed I feel for the generosity and kindness that has been showered upon me. May you reap what you have sewn and may I have the wisdom and open heart to pay forward the grand gestures of kindness that you all have shown to me. Much love and appreciation....Tammie